And continued questions…
(good luck keeping up!)
As I expected, I felt terrible after hitting Publish on my birth control post. I felt a wave of depression and self doubt, maybe even a sprinkle of embarrassment wash over me. There were two comments in response to what I said; I expected both of them, not specifically who would state each but I knew they were coming.
Thanks, Kathie, for the vote of confidence–saying that if I have two or twelve I’m a good mom. And, Tammy, for reminding me of what I believe in, a good slap on the wrist for typing that I doubt. For me, blogging is about honesty…in all of it’s shades and colors.
You did notice that I didn’t use scripture in my last post, even in the same paragraphs that I was asking if it’s biblical. I am aware that I did this. There are two reasons that I have at my fingertips right now: 1. There are a lot of articles online (and in volumes of books) on both sides; 2.) both sides often use the same scripture. I thought that adding my own gist would just be adding to the mayhem; which I am going to do below anyhow. Continue reading if you think you can stomach it!
Yes, the Bible is full of accounts where God opens and closes the womb–as a blessing, test of faith, or as a curse for disobedience to His word. Psalm 127 says in verse three: Lo, children are an heritage of the LORD: and the fruit of the womb is his reward.
Who wouldn’t want to be rewarded by GOD? Who wouldn’t want a gift from the most powerful being in all of existence, from the One who created everything by the word of his power? Can we say that we have better judgment on when the time is right to bear a blessing?
These are the horribly raw questions that pound on me when I think, “Two would be enough. I’d be happy with two.”
Can God tell someone that their family is large enough in ways other than infertility?
A scripture often used for the other side–for employing birth control.
OK I can’t find one bible verse searching “good steward” but here’s how it goes:
God calls me to be a good steward. I just can’t afford another child right now.
Are children then a burden, not a blessing? Hmmm….
I do wonder about this one. Is there a certain place where “being responsible” comes in? You do hear of families who are in huge disarray because both parents are working (Mom from home because she can’t afford a sitter) and they have 12 kids all whom are competing with each other for Mom and Dad’s attention. But there are the small families who have two parents working outside of the home stressed over keeping themselves living at a financial wellness level that they believe is essential to their happiness. This too leaves the children, although there are only two or three of them, feeling neglected and fighting or completely self absorbed following in their parents example. Hmmm…
And then there are people like my mom who was content to stay at home and live modestly within her husband’s one income means and quietly raise her children to be respectful and kind to one another. Is that the only way that God approves of?
It does get down to self doubt for me. I do feel INCOMPETENT sometimes, often, actually. I do feel so limited…with the non-driving. That’s a huge part. Also, I don’t like being pregnant! I feel incredibly blessed, SO incredibly blessed to so healthfully be carrying Carly. When I miscarried all I could think and pray for was another baby.
I have more to add, but I also have a kitchen to clean up! Maybe more on this later, thanks for listening. I hope I didn’t hurt anyones feelings too much. Thank you again for feedback. It does help.
In answer to what does Darren think: He patiently listens to me. Sometimes he shakes his head, sometimes he nods. I’ve told him that I appreciate his listening more than he can imagine, and he’s so good that way. Darren’s faith is often mountains higher than mine. He is the Good and Faithful Servant in Matthew 25 (His lord said unto him, Well done, thou good and faithful servant: thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord.) and I love him every day for that.
To those of you whom I risk serious offense with by writing this,
I want to say that I believe it isn’t wrong to second glance issues that are thought of with two extreme views, both being considered Biblical and backed with scripture. I might even call doing so, “responsible”
I am not ignorant of the fact that only three of you would never consider any form of birth control. Maybe if a woman found out she had a terminal illness she might consider something birth control-ish.
The others have at some time, maybe even currently, used the words something like these…
“it isn’t the right time for another one yet”
“We’re thinking of trying for another one in the spring”
“When reach thus and so financial well being…”
“X number of children is right for us–we’re done.”
Sometimes I hear family planning thoughts that just make me say “Hmm, boy, that’s odd”
#1. “We stopped when we did because I was terrified of having a girl.”
#2. “I always knew God wanted me to have four children before my 32nd birthday. Then I got my tubes tied.”
#3. “We’re afraid we wont have enough love for more than one.”
My reason for double looking the issue:
Fewer children seem more handle-able for someone with my limitations. I am afraid of being pregnant or nursing without a break until I hit 43 and enter menopause, thus having my fertility blast cut short by nature.
Sometimes that thinking is perfectly rational and sometimes it’s a sting of guilt and feels like the voice of the devil. These two flip flop back and forth, even multiple times in one day.
I guess I’m writing because it’s fun, to share excitement with someone. Girls who’ve been through it already and know all the fears and the faith involved in growing babies!
Silly guy!
I’m off to bed now. HOPEFULLY Deeder wont wake up the moment my head meets the pillow. Amazing how kids can do that!
)
Mom—About 2 hours later
I hope you get some good sleep tonight, Dearie. Is the little boy still a bit sick, or is he possibly teething?